12 weeks post op

So here I am, 12 weeks and physically I feel fine. I’m still able to go to the toilet unaided and I’m easing off the stool softeners.

I’d be lying if I said the surgery hasn’t affected me emotionally or that I’m totally recovered.

The scar is still raised, sore and pinching. There’s work to be done there for sure. Penetration seems to be a while away yet :( still there are more fun and games which can be indulged in the meanwhile !

Emotionally, it’s tough! I think there is a lot to be said for tissue trauma in that area of the body. So close to ovaries and womb, so close to my female epicentre ! Somewhat making me feel vulnerable and not all together a woman at the moment. 

Someone posted a great question in a forum asking what was the ‘moment’ when you decided Surgery was the option for you. It’s hard to pin point one single thing as so many aspects of living with a rectocele is life limiting and challenging but, I think by far there was a moment which doesn’t escape my mind... during intercourse with my husband. I’ll spare you the details but it was probably one of the most upsetting moments in the history of our 15 years of marriage. Feelings of shame, disgust, embarrassment and upset. Never again did I want to feel that way. 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty more moments I could list where I lost continence or ended up in a mess but, this involved my husband and he saw my body fail me. 

Apologises for the glum post but I did promise that this blog would be true and honest in all its highs and lows. 

Approaching the 12 week mark

As I approach the 12th week since my surgery my period has arrived. This time things don’t feel so heavy and for the 1st time in 4 years I’m able to use a tampon again. Sounds silly really but it’s making things much easier. 

My scar is still pretty tender and things still don’t feel right. But the surgery appears to have worked. I’m able to void unassisted and it’s much less urgent when I do need to go to the toilet. 

I got back in the pool last week, having had 4 months off I was pretty pleased I managed 60 lengths in just over 50 minutes. Even after that, I could feel my abdominal and pelvic floor muscles were tired. I even managed a short trip to the gym and got a bit of a sweat on.

I’m finding it desperately hard to motivate myself to walk more. Even though I’m surrounded by people so much of the time, I feel quite isolated and alone. This recovery has been a far bigger process and journey than I was expecting and it’s clear now to me that I returned to work too soon and did too much. Perhaps if I had given my body more time, I may be further along with my recovery and doing more. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel quite so down in the dumps all the time.