12 weeks post op

So here I am, 12 weeks and physically I feel fine. I’m still able to go to the toilet unaided and I’m easing off the stool softeners.

I’d be lying if I said the surgery hasn’t affected me emotionally or that I’m totally recovered.

The scar is still raised, sore and pinching. There’s work to be done there for sure. Penetration seems to be a while away yet :( still there are more fun and games which can be indulged in the meanwhile !

Emotionally, it’s tough! I think there is a lot to be said for tissue trauma in that area of the body. So close to ovaries and womb, so close to my female epicentre ! Somewhat making me feel vulnerable and not all together a woman at the moment. 

Someone posted a great question in a forum asking what was the ‘moment’ when you decided Surgery was the option for you. It’s hard to pin point one single thing as so many aspects of living with a rectocele is life limiting and challenging but, I think by far there was a moment which doesn’t escape my mind... during intercourse with my husband. I’ll spare you the details but it was probably one of the most upsetting moments in the history of our 15 years of marriage. Feelings of shame, disgust, embarrassment and upset. Never again did I want to feel that way. 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty more moments I could list where I lost continence or ended up in a mess but, this involved my husband and he saw my body fail me. 

Apologises for the glum post but I did promise that this blog would be true and honest in all its highs and lows. 

Approaching the 12 week mark

As I approach the 12th week since my surgery my period has arrived. This time things don’t feel so heavy and for the 1st time in 4 years I’m able to use a tampon again. Sounds silly really but it’s making things much easier. 

My scar is still pretty tender and things still don’t feel right. But the surgery appears to have worked. I’m able to void unassisted and it’s much less urgent when I do need to go to the toilet. 

I got back in the pool last week, having had 4 months off I was pretty pleased I managed 60 lengths in just over 50 minutes. Even after that, I could feel my abdominal and pelvic floor muscles were tired. I even managed a short trip to the gym and got a bit of a sweat on.

I’m finding it desperately hard to motivate myself to walk more. Even though I’m surrounded by people so much of the time, I feel quite isolated and alone. This recovery has been a far bigger process and journey than I was expecting and it’s clear now to me that I returned to work too soon and did too much. Perhaps if I had given my body more time, I may be further along with my recovery and doing more. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel quite so down in the dumps all the time. 

Nearly week 8

I’m coming up for week 8. I’m gonna talk about sex !!! 

Last week saw my 1st recognisable period since my operation. Somewhere in all that postop bleeding there would have been a period but to be honest it wasn’t something I could pick out.

However, this month, cramps for 3 days before and then boom ! Heavy period for several days followed by light then spotting. Much longer than my before copper coil period and much more painful. I’m assured this will settle and ease ! I hope so !!! I’m not used to this !!!

Today, I’m 7 weeks plus 5 days. I’m still (according to guidance) no entry - aka nothing goes inside me until 12 weeks ! But I woke up with ‘the horn’!?! So a little bit of mutual - non penetrating fun later and ohhhlala ... so it would appear I can still climax (not being able to a risk factor to surgery which I was worried about ) and given it’s been some weeks since I’ve even attempted anything like it, it was well received by me and the hubby :) endorphins galore :)

Even so, I felt anxious, it took a while to relax. I was worried things would feel sore, right, bruised. But maybe because I know my body and took things slowly, it was ok. I felt good. It felt good. 

Prolapse wise. I’m still managing to go to the loo all by myself ! In fact it’s very odd - where going to the loo used to be a rather long and planned affair - these days it’s not a sensation which can be ignored and I sit, I go, it’s done, all within a few moments ! Very different indeed. But better. 

Day to day I’m managing ok. Not lifting much and when I do being very aware of my pelvic floor and core. 

My scar feels ok. Still ridged and sore in places. Things feel generally tight and I’m sure I can still feel hard points where I believe the deeper stitches remain.

All a reminder than there is healing to be done ! 

Half way through week 5

I’m much brighter this week. Feeling much more human. I’m driving again, getting out and about and have slowly stared my return to work. 

I’d be lying if I said I felt normal. I don’t. I’m still sore, a bit prickly as the superficial stitches dissolve. The scar is feeling good, still a bit raised but I’m still applying lavender oil daily. I’ve really noticed when I walk for an hour or so or stand for long periods of time I get the achy feeling. If I over do it, my lady bits ache and pull and my hips hurt. 

I’ve spent a lot of time sat on my bum, sewing to pass the time with bits of admin on my lap top. I’ve finished off four cross stitch projects which were well overdue and even caught up on a few box sets !

I can not believe what a difference this operation has made to me on a day to day basis. While I’m still taking softners to avoid straining, I do seem to be able to just go to the loo when I need to ! Like actually sit down, poop, clean, flush, wash n leave ! Like a regular person ! Sounds silly doesn’t it but after nearly four years of having to plan my toilet arrangements I’m pretty pleased.

I had my check up with my surgeon who said “if I do say so myself it’s looking rather good down there” clearly a fan of her own work or just my vagina, or both ! I am relieved if I’m honest, having never paid too much attention to how I looked down there before kids, I wasn’t exactly sure what’s normal and what isn’t, so as I’ve been healing I look occasionally and then find myself questioning is this normal or that. 

So while I still can’t ‘exercise’ I can start to strengthen and connect to my pelvic floor muscles. I’m using the purposeful exhale and gentle movements to reconnect and improve tension in the tissues. I’m still not lifting anything ! But I am more active day to day. 

Two more weeks and then I can actually exercise. Swim, Hypopressives, get to the gym and up the walking. All without going too crazy and being mindful that I am still healing and will be for some months yet. 

Generally I’m doing good. I’m being kind to myself, not pushing too hard and enjoying all the stitching time ! 

Four weeks post op

Tomorrow I’ll be four weeks post op. I’m still bleeding. I haven’t really stopped bleeding. I’m exhausted ! I guess four weeks of blood loss is taking its toll. 

I’m convinced the repair has failed. It looks like a sodding car crash again but trying to see an actual surgeon is proving about as tricky as getting tickets to the royal wedding ! 

I know this is a negative post but I’m feeling rubbish. I was so excited to be starting new classes and get back on it in January and I’ve grossly underestimated my recovery. I’m not even driving so I’ve had to cancel my plans for most of this week. I guess as a regular worker (not self employed) I’d be signed off for 6-8 weeks so trying to get back to work in half that may have been ambitious but I’m behaving and doing nothing and believe me it’s driving me sodding NUTS !!!!

Physically things are improving. I did 2 laps around the park a few days ago and I made it around Asda for a quick shop without nearly feinting ! My neighbours have been amazing. Taking my dog out a lot and even letting her wait in their house for me to return from a friends place. 

I’m so tired. I feel knackered. I guess that’s all the bleeding. I’m pretty fed up if I’m honest. As a usually active person forced into inactivity I’m pretty pissed off. I’m beginning to wish I’d never had this operation done.