12 weeks post op

So here I am, 12 weeks and physically I feel fine. I’m still able to go to the toilet unaided and I’m easing off the stool softeners.

I’d be lying if I said the surgery hasn’t affected me emotionally or that I’m totally recovered.

The scar is still raised, sore and pinching. There’s work to be done there for sure. Penetration seems to be a while away yet :( still there are more fun and games which can be indulged in the meanwhile !

Emotionally, it’s tough! I think there is a lot to be said for tissue trauma in that area of the body. So close to ovaries and womb, so close to my female epicentre ! Somewhat making me feel vulnerable and not all together a woman at the moment. 

Someone posted a great question in a forum asking what was the ‘moment’ when you decided Surgery was the option for you. It’s hard to pin point one single thing as so many aspects of living with a rectocele is life limiting and challenging but, I think by far there was a moment which doesn’t escape my mind... during intercourse with my husband. I’ll spare you the details but it was probably one of the most upsetting moments in the history of our 15 years of marriage. Feelings of shame, disgust, embarrassment and upset. Never again did I want to feel that way. 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty more moments I could list where I lost continence or ended up in a mess but, this involved my husband and he saw my body fail me. 

Apologises for the glum post but I did promise that this blog would be true and honest in all its highs and lows. 

Approaching the 12 week mark

As I approach the 12th week since my surgery my period has arrived. This time things don’t feel so heavy and for the 1st time in 4 years I’m able to use a tampon again. Sounds silly really but it’s making things much easier. 

My scar is still pretty tender and things still don’t feel right. But the surgery appears to have worked. I’m able to void unassisted and it’s much less urgent when I do need to go to the toilet. 

I got back in the pool last week, having had 4 months off I was pretty pleased I managed 60 lengths in just over 50 minutes. Even after that, I could feel my abdominal and pelvic floor muscles were tired. I even managed a short trip to the gym and got a bit of a sweat on.

I’m finding it desperately hard to motivate myself to walk more. Even though I’m surrounded by people so much of the time, I feel quite isolated and alone. This recovery has been a far bigger process and journey than I was expecting and it’s clear now to me that I returned to work too soon and did too much. Perhaps if I had given my body more time, I may be further along with my recovery and doing more. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel quite so down in the dumps all the time. 

Nearly week 8

I’m coming up for week 8. I’m gonna talk about sex !!! 

Last week saw my 1st recognisable period since my operation. Somewhere in all that postop bleeding there would have been a period but to be honest it wasn’t something I could pick out.

However, this month, cramps for 3 days before and then boom ! Heavy period for several days followed by light then spotting. Much longer than my before copper coil period and much more painful. I’m assured this will settle and ease ! I hope so !!! I’m not used to this !!!

Today, I’m 7 weeks plus 5 days. I’m still (according to guidance) no entry - aka nothing goes inside me until 12 weeks ! But I woke up with ‘the horn’!?! So a little bit of mutual - non penetrating fun later and ohhhlala ... so it would appear I can still climax (not being able to a risk factor to surgery which I was worried about ) and given it’s been some weeks since I’ve even attempted anything like it, it was well received by me and the hubby :) endorphins galore :)

Even so, I felt anxious, it took a while to relax. I was worried things would feel sore, right, bruised. But maybe because I know my body and took things slowly, it was ok. I felt good. It felt good. 

Prolapse wise. I’m still managing to go to the loo all by myself ! In fact it’s very odd - where going to the loo used to be a rather long and planned affair - these days it’s not a sensation which can be ignored and I sit, I go, it’s done, all within a few moments ! Very different indeed. But better. 

Day to day I’m managing ok. Not lifting much and when I do being very aware of my pelvic floor and core. 

My scar feels ok. Still ridged and sore in places. Things feel generally tight and I’m sure I can still feel hard points where I believe the deeper stitches remain.

All a reminder than there is healing to be done ! 

Half way through week 5

I’m much brighter this week. Feeling much more human. I’m driving again, getting out and about and have slowly stared my return to work. 

I’d be lying if I said I felt normal. I don’t. I’m still sore, a bit prickly as the superficial stitches dissolve. The scar is feeling good, still a bit raised but I’m still applying lavender oil daily. I’ve really noticed when I walk for an hour or so or stand for long periods of time I get the achy feeling. If I over do it, my lady bits ache and pull and my hips hurt. 

I’ve spent a lot of time sat on my bum, sewing to pass the time with bits of admin on my lap top. I’ve finished off four cross stitch projects which were well overdue and even caught up on a few box sets !

I can not believe what a difference this operation has made to me on a day to day basis. While I’m still taking softners to avoid straining, I do seem to be able to just go to the loo when I need to ! Like actually sit down, poop, clean, flush, wash n leave ! Like a regular person ! Sounds silly doesn’t it but after nearly four years of having to plan my toilet arrangements I’m pretty pleased.

I had my check up with my surgeon who said “if I do say so myself it’s looking rather good down there” clearly a fan of her own work or just my vagina, or both ! I am relieved if I’m honest, having never paid too much attention to how I looked down there before kids, I wasn’t exactly sure what’s normal and what isn’t, so as I’ve been healing I look occasionally and then find myself questioning is this normal or that. 

So while I still can’t ‘exercise’ I can start to strengthen and connect to my pelvic floor muscles. I’m using the purposeful exhale and gentle movements to reconnect and improve tension in the tissues. I’m still not lifting anything ! But I am more active day to day. 

Two more weeks and then I can actually exercise. Swim, Hypopressives, get to the gym and up the walking. All without going too crazy and being mindful that I am still healing and will be for some months yet. 

Generally I’m doing good. I’m being kind to myself, not pushing too hard and enjoying all the stitching time ! 

Four weeks post op

Tomorrow I’ll be four weeks post op. I’m still bleeding. I haven’t really stopped bleeding. I’m exhausted ! I guess four weeks of blood loss is taking its toll. 

I’m convinced the repair has failed. It looks like a sodding car crash again but trying to see an actual surgeon is proving about as tricky as getting tickets to the royal wedding ! 

I know this is a negative post but I’m feeling rubbish. I was so excited to be starting new classes and get back on it in January and I’ve grossly underestimated my recovery. I’m not even driving so I’ve had to cancel my plans for most of this week. I guess as a regular worker (not self employed) I’d be signed off for 6-8 weeks so trying to get back to work in half that may have been ambitious but I’m behaving and doing nothing and believe me it’s driving me sodding NUTS !!!!

Physically things are improving. I did 2 laps around the park a few days ago and I made it around Asda for a quick shop without nearly feinting ! My neighbours have been amazing. Taking my dog out a lot and even letting her wait in their house for me to return from a friends place. 

I’m so tired. I feel knackered. I guess that’s all the bleeding. I’m pretty fed up if I’m honest. As a usually active person forced into inactivity I’m pretty pissed off. I’m beginning to wish I’d never had this operation done. 

Fixing My Bits 2 Weeks Post Op

I’m 12 days post op and part of me is really pleased with my results and part of me is worried and upset.

It’s frustrating to say the least that I have to be inactive. I say inactive but I mean not walking to clear my head, not keeping on top of my housework, not able to pick up my son to cuddle him and not walking my dog. I know this surgery is a means to an end but I’m so fed up of being stuck in. I can’t drive, I can’t sit as a passenger for any longer than a few minutes so can’t go anywhere and I can t walk any distance. Thank goodness for needlecraft and Netflix !!!!

Christmas Day was nice. Hard to let others cook for me etc but nice. My kids loved their gifts. I was in bed pretty early though as even sitting in the lounge is hard. I get achy heavy feeling in my bits and that goes away when I lay down. 

I have managed a couple of really short walks around my local park. Only 15 to 20 mins or so. It was so lovely to be out in the fresh air. Felt so good. But I was exhausted afterwards and needed a nap ! 

Yesterday was a different matter. I woke up feeling fabulous. Full of energy and everyone went out for a few hours to leave me to rest... I actually plodded upstairs, had a shower, put away all the clean clothes from the ‘floordrobe ‘ and decided it would be a good idea to reorganise this end of my wardrobe. now I should have stopped there, my tummy was aching, I could feel a heaviness and instead when my friend turned up, I decided with an extra set of hands around it would be a good idea to move my fish tank. We needed to but this involved me moving some boxes etc...

When I went to the loo some moments later, I was bleeding again. Having stoped a few days ago this worried me so I gave the women’s health ward a call. Advice, monitor the bleeding and rest. By the morning the bleeding had eased but this rest bollocks is proving hard. 

I still feel like I’ve been kicked in the lady garden with welly boots. I’m still making good use of my peri bottle. I feel like I weigh about a thousand pounds. All this eating and not moving ... 

It’s temporary. It’s temporary. That’s what I MUST remember and how worried I was yesterday when I thought I’d seriously hurt myself or undone my surgery. 

So when you actually look at what’s happened, it makes a lot of sense why it’s all so delicate ... 

This is the repair to the perineum (above) and below is the rectocele repair.

Basically a vajayjay full of stitches and swollen tissue. Thank goodness for painkillers !

29/12

I'm adding a bit on today as i've had to pop into hospital. Following my doing too much, i did stop bleeding but the pain didn't go away and it got worse so i called the ward this morning. They asked me to come in to see the doctor who has swabbed me, poked and prodded me, checked my urine and put a speculum YES A SPECULUM in my healing lady bits, OUCHHHHH ! Anyway, i have an infection so it was worth listening to my body and going in.

Needless to say, since the examination, i've been bleeding again and a little sore. So i've popped some pills and rested up. I did go for a short walk with my neighbour earlier and discuss the joys of being a woman and the sheer lack of dignity with these procedures. Seems like no matter who you talk to they want to know what you've had done.. If i reply with a 'Posterior Rectocele and Perineoplasty' people screw their noses up and say what?!? Or if i say 'well, my son did a little damage as he was born so i've had a fix' people then want to know more, oh what did he do, have you got stitches etc. If you say the word 'Prolapse' people look like they're going to be sick or they make really helpful comments like 'oh my dog had that, its bum was falling out' well thank you for that comparison.

I’m going to rant because I’m fed up and frustrated. I got brave today and asked for help. It takes a lot for me to ask for help. I hate showing I’m not managing. My bathroom is filthy, it’s not been cleaned in 2 weeks. My shower room the same. The floors need hoovering again and my poor husband is exhausted. He’s lifting everything for me, he’s looking after the little one. He’s cooking, doing all the laundry, changing beds etc etc etc the poor chap hasn’t had a break. So I ask for help and my plea is totally ignored. No response at all, not even I’m sorry I’m too busy. Rude!  I feel awful this is all falling on hubbys shoulders and with my confidence now low. I don’t feel there is anyone else I can ask at such a busy time of year. 

3/1

First day back to preschool following a two week break and it’s a nightmare ! Some kids get super excited but mine melts down with changes of routine and did not want to go back in. I swear I can see my husband getting new grey hairs by the day. Surely things can only get better from here though?

Fixing Me Bits !

Tomorrow is the day I go under the knife and get my lady bits fixed !

I’d be lying if I said I’m not nervous. 

I’ve been diagnosed with a grade one cystcele and a grade two rectocele. The bladder prolapse is minor and doesn’t cause symptoms so this is being left alone but the back wall prolapse causes issues everyday. 

They’ll make a cut in the back wall of my vagina,  remove the pocket of weak tissue and then stitch it all back up. A couple more stitches down in to the bit between my bits to tighten all that up and pack my vajayjay with swabs until the following day. Sounds delightful doesn’t it!

Hopefully this will be a means to an end. My symptoms make day to day life tough. If I need to poop I get no warning I have to run. I often have to press on the back wall of my lady bits in order to poop, this is affectionately  known as ‘splinting’. I should, after some healing, be able to poop like a regular person again !!!

So while I know what’s going to happen, I’m still feeling pretty anxious about the whole thing. It’s more the recovery for me. With such an active job, a preschooler to chase around and a busy home to run I’m nervous I’ll not heal well or undo the good work.

I plan to be good and follow the guidelines given to me at my pre-op assessment ...

• Lift nothing heavier than four pints of milk for 6 weeks
• Walking is the only form of exercise for 10-12 weeks
• Take stool softeners regularly
• Rest
• Make sure you’ve someone to help for some weeks
• No driving until you can turn safely and perform an emergency stop without pain
• No intimate shenanigans for at least 10 weeks 
• Drink plenty of water

As soon as I feel able, I plan to walk and increase my distance. Also, get my breathing in check and Hypopressives as soon as my body has healed. 

So why the blog? I’ve never written one before. Part of my job includes hours each week educating women about their bodies andallowing healing time and being kind and patient with herself. It’s time to follow my own words and recovery plan to get me fit again. 

I now realise how common pelvic organ prolapse (POP) is but how little women talk about it and live with symptoms for years and years. Moreover, women who experience surgical repairs post delivery will have experienced the same healing as I’m going to go through. I figure it all needs talking about and honestly too ! Have you ever heard anyone openly admit that she’s got to pop a finger inside her nunny to poop !

The last task for the night was an enema ! Well that was like the scene from from dumb and dumber. The nurse warned me it could work quickly but it was more potent than I expected ! 

I’ll leave you with that delightful image and catch you on the flip side of surgery. 

17/12/18

So here I am, 12 hours post op and I’m already grumpy !

I’m uncomfortable, but the pain killers are good. I’ve a catheter in which I’m hating, I feel like I need to wee all the time ! I’ve so much packing in my vagina I feel like I’ve been kicked with steel toe capped boots. This ward is like a furnace and lights out isn’t until 11 so we’re all blinded ! 

Truthfully I’m ok. Grouchy, sore, tired but ok and looking forward to going home tomorrow. I miss my hubby. My kids and even the dog. I’m struggling already with being stuck in bed. As a usually active person, the next twelve weeks is going to be extremely hard...

18/12/18

Gosh I’m tired. I had about 2 hours sleep. The nurses kept the big lights on until 11:30pm then the woman next to me had to have a catheter fitted so that was noisy and the last opposite her was bleeping all night. Just to add to it all the lady opposit me was snoring all night. Oh and my pain medication was given to me 90 mins late in spite of me asking for it. So not a good night.

So the gauze packing was removed this morning, looked like about a metre yanked out of my foof. You know the trick where the magician pulls a string of hankies from a hat.... you get the idea ! The catheter was promptly removed after that. I’m yet to have my first wee without it. Im pretty nervous about going to the loo. 

This afternoon my gorgeous boy came in to cheer me up. I’ve got to stay in another night as my bladder is being a bit lazy and my blood pressure keeps going very low. I’m pretty pale and sleepy too. 

I braved the loo and have managed a couple of wees. Not too painful, just a little stingy so a rinse off with water as I wee helps. I’m really tired and struggling to focus on objects and screens for any length of time so it’s taken me some time to write this. 

I’ve been feeling a bit neglected today. Having to ask for water and medication frequently. At one point my cannula became loose so I asked for help and the nurse went away never to return. Later I woke to blood all over my bed, dry blood on my hand and the cannula hanging onto my wrist by the end of the tape. 

Still not long to go and I’ll be back in my own bed. 

19/12/18

I’m back in my own bed and someone missed me ! She’s been here with me since I got home this morning. 

I’m off the heavy painkillers now, so no more tramadol or codine. Regular paracetamol and ibruprofen from now on. Still bleeding a little and things downstairs feel a bit heavy and pulling if I stand. Sitting seems to put quite a bit of pressure down below so I’ve taken to laying on my side. 

Wees are fine, albeit a bit stingy but I’m yet to do the dreaded number two! I’m on lactulose and another softner so hopefully things won’t be too horrible. 

I was brave and had a look. I was expecting to see a car crash and actually, it’s all pretty tidy. Swollen but tidy. So not as bad as I was expecting. 

As I’m still bleeding, I’ve steered clear of any postnatal rehab exercises just yet. At only 3 days post op, I’m focusing on healing, resting and keeping clean for now. 

Still no poop ! Feeling pretty bloated now too...

20/12/18

I’m feeling pretty gunky today. Discharge is definitely heavier today but still a fair bit of fresh blood too, so I’m taking that as a need to rest sign. Everything feels pretty tender and stingy. Pain wise it’s not too bad really. Just a few cramps and stings, all to be expected I think.

Still so very tired too! Guess that’s still the anaesthetic. My preschooler is struggling to understand what’s going on. He had an operation some months ago so he understands mummy went for a sleep over at the hospital and saw the doctors in their pj’s and funny hats too but he doesn’t really understand why I can’t lift him to cuddle him or why mummy isn’t up and about much. This morning we’ve snuggled up in bed watching ‘how to train your dragon’

Hubby is knackered. Full time preschooler, house husband and work is taking its toll. My mum arrives today to help out. Hopefully that will relieve some of the pressure on him. I do feel for him, this morning it was like trying to catch and dress the Tasmanian devil who was screaming like a mandrake plant. That’s mission impossible right there !

So little one didn’t make it to preschool and had a day at home with me and his Nana & Sister. He clearly needed to reconnect with mummy after some days apart. I treasure moments like this. 

This afternoon saw me experience my 1st post-op-poop. Not nearly as bad as I was expecting and very odd being able to void without having to assist myself ! Funny how you get used to doing things a certain way. It was clearly exhausting as my milestone moment was quickly followed by a three hour nap !

21/12/18

This was my achievement this morning. Various sitting stages throughout but Christmas presents in the making. I’m not very good at making candles but it makes me feel nice to give people home made gifts for xmas. These are soya candles, dyed blue with a sweet pea fragrance. 

I reached my limit though. My body really lets me know when I’ve done enough standing or sitting in the wrong way. So I’m back on the sofa with my feet up. Everything starts feeling very heavy and I find it much harder to activate (brace) my pelvic floor muscles when moving once the muscles fatigue.  Its like my whole stomach starts to ache, but I assume that’s the abdominal wall having to compensate for the weak pelvic floor muscles? 

I’m now 5 days post op and the nurses did warn me I may be feeling frustrated about now, like I’m not really healing and I have to say they’re right. I’m still oozing blood and discharge downstairs. I still can’t do very much. It’s still stinging when I wee and everything still feels very sore. Frustrated is definitely the word for it. I’m desperate to do more ‘normal’ things but I know if I push it, I’ll compromise my healing. Must be good !

I was good! And this is what I achieved this afternoon ...

22/12/18

Today is not starting as a good day. I had an awful lot of pain last night. Everything is stinging so I’ve ordered a peri bottle. Really hope that helps.

I joined this group on Facebook some time ago and I’ve found it really supportive. So many women going through the same or similar. I really find blogging and the group great therapy ! 

https://m.facebook.com/groups/184143085606?ref=share

I’m sure sitting yesterday is the cause of the pain. Although I was on the sofa I think the pressure on the stitches is what’s caused the pain. So today I’m in bed. Feeling grumpy and fed up. I can hear everyone else downstairs carrying on with their day and having fun. Not that I want them in here with me making a fuss but it’s lonely staying in bed. Hopefully some more sleep and rest will help me feel a bit brighter. 

1st half of the day was tough. I was in pain, groggy and feeling low. Then my brain engaged and I remembered that there is an essential oil which is antibacterial, antifungal, soothing and pain relieving which can be used neat on skin, including broken skin and scars. It’s known to help skin heal many times faster and I had it at home. Lavender oil. So every couple of hours, I’ve popped some on and already my skin is feeling better. The rest of the day I’ve managed to sew, watch some tv, potter about my house and spend time with my family. Fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow.

24/12/18

I’m seven whole days post op now. Planning to update weekly or maybe bi monthly from now on.  

Odd picture above - I’ll explain ! A stool (squatty potty) and a peri bottle. So the stool I’ve had for ages as putting your feed up on the stool helps your body to be in correct alignment for opening your bowels. Given that it’s been virtually impossible for me to do that for nearly 4 years I was willing to try just about anything and it does help. The peri bottle is fab ! Warm water and a bit of lavender and sprinkle over your bits and bobs as you wee or after for a wash. I’m doing this several times a day at the moment to keep thing clean.

Pain wise I’m ok. Less swollen for sure. But things feel prickly... like I’ve stitches poking into me in places I can feel them on the surface. I guess things are just moving. 

I’m still bleeding a little and I feel like I stink, that irony bloody post birth smell. Everyone assures me I don’t stink but even so I’m washing and changing underwear several times a day. 

I was wearing cloth pads but I’ve found they put too much pressure down there just now so it’s easier to just change underwear several times a day. 

Tummy wise, I’m managing to poop unaided most days ! Which is still very odd. I’m so used to going and not feeling empty and having to help my body remove what remains it’s really rather odd just going to the loo ! Needless to say I’m still swigging back the laxatives and keeping the diet not too heavy on the iron. 

I went out yesterday to see a friend who recently had a baby. Other than that I’ve not left the house. I’m getting a bit of cabin fever and I really need to get some fresh air. It’s Christmas day tomorrow so I’m planning a short stroll. I need to just breathe!

It doesn’t feel hugely Christmassy and I’m anxious I’m not going to be ‘healed’ enough when work start back up in a few weeks. I guess I just need to keep following the rules and allowing my body to heal.